Dateline: last few days. The layperson's interpretation of my sister's mental condition might be 'confrontational, selfish & abrasive.' A more accurate description would be an extreme manifestation of narcissistic personality disorder. With a dollop of antisocial personality disorder mixed in. She's never met a person she couldn't shit all over. Restaurant servers, real estate agents, family members, fellow students, really anyone trapped in the same room. We went to the same college actually. I had total strangers come up to me at parties & declare 'your sister is a total bitch.' That happened often at college. She started yelling at people in her teen years, usually me but others too. It's a hoot being related to her, & she's my sole sibling. Who's jelly?
She's been driving my elderly mum's newish (2019) fully paid off car. Mom will never drive it again, she's unable to, ergo it sits in the garage going unused, so hey why not? Sis stepping up and selling it would be what a normal person would do, but that requires adult level thinking.
Anyhoots. I visited mum last week (I live several states away) & noticed the clanger over driver side front wheel. Actual pic at top of page. A bit of white paint or white out in futile attempt to cover it up means it's not a parking lot hit & run. Since there's only 1 driver, it's not hard to decipher. But I text sis this pic with 'bummer must have been a parking lot hit & run.' No reply. Next day I text 'well if you can get estimates I'll chip in a bit to get fixed. Hit & run drivers suck.' Just to see if she'd cop to it.
And she actually replied! With a confession! She admitted hitting the garage. Since most of what comes out of her mouth is either a) lies or b) yelling or c) turning the conversation to herself; this was interesting. So I asked her to get estimates and I'll chip in. And then the fun started! Right on schedule. To wit:
'So the dent is really no big deal and doesn't affect the operation of the car. I don't consider this a big deal. I consider this conversation closed.'
Well guess what? I don't consider the conversation closed. I wrote back: 'you dented a car that's not yours, ergo fix it. That's how adults handle a situation like this. Ask your pastor.'
We all know and probably work with people that overreact to simple requests to do something. As minor as 'hey turn out the lights' or 'close the fridge' or whatever leads to recoiling as if you asked them to lie down in the street. Apparently, they perceive these requests, or the slightest criticism, as a personal attack.
My pops was like that; couldn't tell him anything, ever (ironic as he was a shrink, non?). My sister inherited that from him, both barrels. Along with: his complete lack of self-awareness. Never changing hair style, or wardrobe (same clothes he bought in the 1970s) his entire life. A lifetime of confrontational asshole behavior. Failed friendships. His inability to stop talking. Nonstop pontificating monologue, morning until night. An inability to experience embarrassment. An inability to apologize. All manifested in my sister, every single symptom just outlined. Exactly like him.
But this isn't about him. Let's focus.
Right on schedule, her reply, a typed torrent of personal attacks, multiple screens in length, of how I'm trying to 'control' her. This has been her primary talk track in the rare times we interact (which is maybe 2x/yr). She is someone I want nothing to do with. Literally. Not talking. Not texting. Not being in the same room. Nothing at all. Went 14 years barely interacting. Hope to match that stretch again before I kick. The last interaction to kick off that stretch was when she visited my new house, 20 years ago. She was normal ish for a few minutes then started babbling on about Jesus (she's physically unable to not do that) and I told her to leave, immediately. Didn't see her again for 14 years, until our pop's funeral. Pops didn't despise her; he was simply embarrassed she was his daughter, but whatever, that's his ish.
After that fun sms exchange sis blocked my number. Nbd except! Our elderly mum has her phone under sis account. Ergo, haven't been able to sms w/mum for a few days. Mum can sms me but doesn't receive my replies. And mum is afraid to ask Hulk to unblock, which I know bc mum has called me 2x w/updates of why she hasn't aske yet; her calls to me come through at least.
Sidebar - I'm not keen 'punching down' on the mentally ill or anyone with a disability for that matter. That's not cool. I don't do that and wish nobody else did either. However, her multiple screen rant, in writing, included other personal attack delusional bullshit. I'm not sharing that content; you don't want her pathological 'thinking' in your brain. Rather I'm suspending my no punching down rule into a guideline, just for this blurb, just for today. She earned it.
I live on the other side of the country, want nothing to do with her whatsoever, but in her mind, I'm 'controlling' her. This is one of the many delusions she clings to. Don't believe me?
5 years ago I sent the local police to their house because she went batshit hysterical, shrieking into our mum's phone who I had called for a welfare check, over & over:
YOU DON'T CONTROL ME! YOU DON'T CONTROL ME! YOU DON'T CONTROL ME!
Maximum volume. Over & over. In my mom's ear or phone or whatnot, standing next to her. So now there's a police record of their visit. The officer called me afterwards with a full report of the scene. Lucky him. Her freakout btw was related to an IRS letter me mum received. I've been doing me mum's taxes for many years now, always accurate to the penny, proper refund, etc. However, me mum made the ugly error of showing sis the letter. Who refused to send it to me, or even send me a pic of it.
At first, I texted sis to ask for the pic. Needed to see it in general as outlined earlier. But also, it was scam season. Moreover, regarding finances, she's functionally retarded. So I called her explaining why I needed it but she hung up on me after a few seconds. Then, the following screen snap actual exchange, with her oh so Christian comments in blue:
And yes: the irony of sis telling me, you, anyone to 'take a chill pill' is priceless. Imagine the Hulk telling someone to calm down. I'd pay to see that movie, wouldn't you?
Ergo, called sis back yet again on the phone (she hung up on me initially when I told her why I needed it, she is literally delusional the rare times we talk on the phone, imagining I'm yelling...I'm not, but that's what the chemical misfiring in her brain perceives), asked her to send a pic because I'm the tax preparer and responsible to the IRS for tax adjustments, and immediately she's yelling, shrieking actually, loudly, and I quote:
I'M SMART TOO! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY SMART PERSON ON THIS PHONE! I'M SMART! I UNDERSTAND THINGS! YOU DON'T CONTROL ME! YOU DON'T CONTROL ME!
But wait you ask? Why was sis even at mum's house in the first place? Doesn't she have her own place? Fun fact: she's lived in mommy's basement for the majority of her life. A lifetime of free room & board. Nice gig, non? Except! Now that she has to take care of our elderly mum, she claims martyrdom every chance she gets, to everyone who will listen & even those that won't.
Poor me, having to help mum, having to get groceries, having to drive her to doctor's appointments in her $30k new car she's unable to drive.
Yup. Rough gig.
I told a few family members a few years ago how to handle my sister if you find yourself in the same room as her: treat her as a drunk person. Why? Allow me:
- instant fury at any random thing, just like the Hulk
- she misinterprets everything said to her
- she believes she has no accountability
- she believes she's clever
- she thinks people enjoy her company
- She thinks people enjoy 15-minute monologues about herself
Let's focus.
One last story, although I have dozens, as does our entire family. Ok, two stories. Fuck it, three. But they're all kneeslappers.
Story 1. After our pops funeral 5 years ago, ten of us various family members assembled at his house to unwind and so everyone could pick out a piece of art from his sizable collection. Did I mention she spent time during her eulogy to note she's been winning Toastmasters awards? Yup most people take a eulogy opportunity to brag about personal achievements. Totally normal. Let's focus. Back at pops house she insists on having pictures taken. Of her of course, in each one because the universe was made just for her, sitting next to a rotating assortment of everyone else. The 'everyone else' part is interesting as she'll never see any of them again, maybe she knew that. But here's the story: in every single photo, she's beaming. I've seen the pics. She has a huge smile, sitting next to someone else who's just also come from a funeral and isn't really in a beaming huge smile mood. But that's what mental illness looks like among other things: complete inability to recognize social context.
Whilst sitting next to our out of state aunt, aka the older sister of her recently deceased younger brother (our pops) she smothered her face in kisses. We all watched it. Cheeks, lips, all over, making weird noises mwah mwah sounds with each kiss. I drove aunt and her daughter (my cousin) to her hotel room later. Aunt expressed her distaste at sis behavior during the funeral services but especially being plastered with kisses. Aunt has known sis forever, and wait for it, can't stand her. Ergo the kisses charade made her very uncomfortable. She was 90 when this occurred btw.
Oh and, in between loudly berating our mom for not taking the photos fast enough, she keeps exclaiming several times to the entire room, also loudly: 'oh for the love of jesus.'
Yeah no crime. Other than several family members are Jewish. Sis is 100% oblivious to the realization, like all realizations involving social context or adult level thinking, that, hey maybe I shouldn't be repeating that phrase over & over with several Jews a few feet away (or yelling at her mum). Good luck explaining that to her. Nobody in the entire extended family bothers explaining anything to her anymore, not worth the predictable knee jerk freakout instantaneous incredible Hulk reaction.
Ergo, she just exists, shitting on people who cross her path, floating along in a bubble of ignorance, thinking she is well liked & living a life of perfection.
Did I mention she physically cornered our stepmom (all around excellent & gentle person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt but loathes my sister) in a corner asking for the key to the place so she could mourn privately? She whispered, 'don't tell my brother it will just be between us wink wink.'
I'm tight with stepmom to this day, who shared the story to me shortly after. I replied, 'well at least you'll never have to see her again. I'm not so fortunate.'
A few years ago sis asks me why stepmom doesn't respond to her occasional inquiries. I said, ah not sure. As opposed to telling her the truth and experiencing the Incredible Hulk: um, because you're unpleasant, abrasive, a serial liar AND thought it would be no problem to ask her to betray your brother? Maybe that?
Story 2: I'm in Scottsdale at my pop's winter crib. Went their every winter, 18 years in a row. She never went once. Anyhoots. I'm in the bedroom & heard my sister's voice. Went out there & she's yammering away on pop's old school answering machine. I asked pop 'how long has this been going on? He says 'a couple of minutes.' I shake my head, head back to room, take a shower, get dressed, and walk back out to the kitchen.
The message is still going. For real. She's just droning on in perpetuity. About what? What else? Herself. What in the universe could be more important? Pops & I just looked at each other & laughed.
Story 3. My cousin wrote a play and staged it during the Fringe Festival a few years back. Actual theater, actual play, the real deal. Sister decides to attend (cousin despises her btw, as does most of the family, nobody tells sis, not worth the Incredible Hulk ensuing drama). Gets there late. There's no late seating. House rules. She starts shouting in the lobby 'it's my cousin! it's my cousin! I know her! I need to go in!' They say nope, no late seating! So, what does sis do? Wait for it! She makes a break for it and plows into the theater where she's now in front of the stage followed by theater staff who try to remove her. At which point she again starts yelling, in front of the stage during a live performance 'that's my cousin! you can't kick me out!
Performance grinds to a halt.
Days later, my sister is texting our cousin repeatedly about this incident. To apologize? Surely you jest! She was repeatedly texting to complain that she wasn't allowed into the theater. Not that she interrupted her cousin's live performance with her own version of selfish performance art, working title: The Ultimate Karen. Not that she caused a scene with the lobby staff AND the performers AND the audience. Nope. She was being inconvenienced.
Ergo, the universe must pay for this.
The ultimate privileged white girl.
==
Fucking legend.